Depression

Ugh. I've been feeling quite down in the dumps lately. I've been struggling to lose (any) weight and it's getting the best of my emotions. It's really hard for me to cope, especially since summer is coming up and I'm PMSing so I'm holding extra water weight. It's also difficult to see Hillary succeed in losing weight so quickly. She said she loses weight fast, and I feel like every time I see her she looks better and better. I know it's great and I'm really proud of her, but I can't help being jealous and feeling bad about myself. I know she'll read this, and of course I don't want her to feel bad about my feeling bad; I'm trying to be honest about the situation. I get jealous that she's so happy and seems to be so okay with her body whatever the size or shape may be, and I can't feel that way as easily, if at all, even if people give me compliments or whatever. I'm never satisfied... I was getting close to getting satisfied then I freakin' gained 10 lbs over the past couple semesters.

I think about what I eat all the time and I think about losing weight all the time, but I can't seem to get over that hurdle and start losing anything. I worked out a few times last week and I've been trying to walk more places, and I'm trying to eat healthier. I definitely haven't had any peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lately! (That's what I've been eating too much of the past couple weeks.)

It's extremely difficult to cope with the fact that I gained back about 10 lbs. (since August). It's not much, I know, and it happened over a very long period of time, but, for whatever reason, it's really keeping me from doing my best. I try and think about what Shana told me the other day about how trying something doesn't make it happen, only doing it makes it happen, but I still have trouble. I sometimes worry that maybe I'm depressed or I have an eating disorder or something. Maybe it's just bad genes and/or bad metabolism. I think about my weight constantly, but... I still can't succeed in ways that I'd like to, and always find myself returning to unhealthy/destructive practices that I've tried to overcome.

I suppose I'll just have to start going on more and more walks. I was going to the SRSC but lots of times it's either too crowded or takes up too much time. I'd rather do cardio, but walking is better than nothing, really. I know I'll definitely lose some weight this summer, even if I don't lose any this semester...I think that going raw will definitely help me, especially since I tend to eat too many refined carbohydrates.

I'm also worried because I know that thinking negatively and stressing out over stuff doesn't help weight get lost any faster. Hmm...faster...maybe I'll fast for a couple days and see how I feel then. That's somewhat difficult because most weight lost during a short term fast is water weight, so it's easily "gained" back, but I don't know...I wonder how long you have to fast before your body starts burning fat reserves. I don't like saying I'll fast, though, because I feel like I set myself up for disappointment because I am so addicted to food that I just can't stop eating it. I'm definitely a victim of cooked food addiction, and as you can see, it's very detrimental to my physical and emotional life.

I guess I'm off to class. I'll fast for the rest of the day and go for a walk. I hope my sadness is mostly crazy horomones and that I'll be over it in a week or so...but if my PMS is this bad for the rest of my life I don't know what I'll do (my PMS got really bad after I went off the pill last fall- since then it's been awful). This whole situation isn't helped any by the fact that I'm stuffy and sniffly and Grumpy McGee, and dealing with a lot of other personal issues, and freaking homework up the wazoo. Send me good vibes, please. I need them. -Sam